Sometimes staying positive seems like work. I am dedicated to it. Building a new mind through yoga and meditation is intriguing. There are less attachments for me now. I love people more purely. Including myself. But somehow it feels like work once in a while. Tonight. This would be one of those times. A new habit, I guess. Learning to fail and get back up. Seeing mirrors held up to me about who I used to be and who I am now. The truth does make me fill with peace. And power. But not my power. Or my power, but for divine purposes.
One of the best things about the ethical study I have been conducting over the past couple of years, along with the commitment to always telling the truth, regardless, it has made me so much less concerned with what I want in any situation. What I want has gone from the most pleasurable option for me to what is the most ethical, kindest, most in line with divine purpose option. It is a weird place to be. I have such an ego about this, mostly because I am surprised how attractive it is to others. But not because I actually think I am this big deal. It gets lost in translation sometimes, I know. But I have no desire to hurt god's child again. I will allow god's children to have their karma and lessons and consequences. But I have no desire to put my needs before someone else's. It is a good place to be.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Heading to Vegas tomorrow
One of my favorite aspects of traveling so much is hearing people talk about their travels. Vegas is my next trip. People get excited when I say I am headed to Vegas. They all say they love Vegas, even though they are not gamblers. I understand this. I love being near other people gambling and not doing it myself. Although I am pretty lucky. But still, there is something about casinos that makes me want to go home. In Biloxi, at the riverboat casino, I saw a man gambling at the blackjack table who had half of his face eaten away by some cancer or something. And many elderly people were sitting solemnly at the slot machines hoping to get lucky. Glum expressions.
I read a book talking about addictions. One thing stood out. A study done on rats. The pleasure circuitry of the brain is all largely concentrated in one area of the brain. And in this study, the researchers gave a big hit of dopamine, a feel good drug, directly to that pleasure circuit. These rats were able to touch a button and get a big hit of dopamine right into the pleasure circuit. And just inches away, there was another button to press which gave food. But all the rats starved to death once they found out about this pleasures hit they could get unlimited doses of. They all died.
Now when I stand at a blackjack table, or at a slot machine, or if I sit around drinking with people, or go compulsively shopping, I always think about those rats. All they had to do was stop just a minute to go get something to eat.
It is a weird paradox that seeking after pleasure ultimately leads to so much suffering. So many glum expressions. So little balance and joy. Our pleasure circuits and our addictions leave us high and dry.
I read a book talking about addictions. One thing stood out. A study done on rats. The pleasure circuitry of the brain is all largely concentrated in one area of the brain. And in this study, the researchers gave a big hit of dopamine, a feel good drug, directly to that pleasure circuit. These rats were able to touch a button and get a big hit of dopamine right into the pleasure circuit. And just inches away, there was another button to press which gave food. But all the rats starved to death once they found out about this pleasures hit they could get unlimited doses of. They all died.
Now when I stand at a blackjack table, or at a slot machine, or if I sit around drinking with people, or go compulsively shopping, I always think about those rats. All they had to do was stop just a minute to go get something to eat.
It is a weird paradox that seeking after pleasure ultimately leads to so much suffering. So many glum expressions. So little balance and joy. Our pleasure circuits and our addictions leave us high and dry.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
This blog is about... well... you see...
I live behind the scenes. Massaging one person at a time. Usually the person is asleep. My life is quiet. I swear. I do not seek out any of the weirdness that finds me. And yet...
While I do inward things like teach yoga, read, create art and music, play Words with Friends, walk, meditate, do massage, my life always turns out surprisingly eventful. I love it, of course. I think maybe my life is more eventful because I spend time being quiet. I notice when wacky stuff happens. And it is surprising what a smile will bring out. Just noticing people and animals and plants sometimes makes them more animated. Perhaps this is my greatest gift: observant audience. Beings will display their fabulous feathers when given the chance. There have been times in my life when those who I loved have not understood me. And they have not been able to understand me. But those who have loved me truly have loved and accepted me, whether they understood me or not. and that has been more than enough. This deep, intense experience has taught me that the nature of love is not necessarily understanding. It is accepting. Looking at someone with acceptance in my eyes will allow that person to be. And that is where all the fun starts.
While I do inward things like teach yoga, read, create art and music, play Words with Friends, walk, meditate, do massage, my life always turns out surprisingly eventful. I love it, of course. I think maybe my life is more eventful because I spend time being quiet. I notice when wacky stuff happens. And it is surprising what a smile will bring out. Just noticing people and animals and plants sometimes makes them more animated. Perhaps this is my greatest gift: observant audience. Beings will display their fabulous feathers when given the chance. There have been times in my life when those who I loved have not understood me. And they have not been able to understand me. But those who have loved me truly have loved and accepted me, whether they understood me or not. and that has been more than enough. This deep, intense experience has taught me that the nature of love is not necessarily understanding. It is accepting. Looking at someone with acceptance in my eyes will allow that person to be. And that is where all the fun starts.
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